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Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

There is no such thing as an inappropriate joke

There is no such thing as an inappropriate joke

Saturday, November 10, 2012

A little girl asked her Mom...

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father", answered the mother, "I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Friday, August 10, 2012

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin | Funny Joke

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Saturday, July 28, 2012

A couple... | Funny Joke

A couple never fought in 25 years.
A friend asked: how did you make it possible?
Husband: we went to Paris for our honeymoon,while horse riding my wife's horse jumped and she fell down. She got up and patted the horse's back and said 'this is your 1st time'..
After a while it happened again and my wife said this your 2nd time , when it happened 3rd time, my wife took out the gun and shot the horse..!
I shouted: You PSYCHO you killed the horse.
She gave me a grave look and said this is your 1st time! And since then we have never fought...

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Let`s celebrate! | Funny joke

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…..Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

“It’s been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, I don’t need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, “Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer. ...

Monday, July 16, 2012

Joke: A man walks into a bar...

So, a man walks into a bar with a monkey. I forgot the rest of the joke but your mom is a whore


I suggest you take... tranquilizers | Funny Joke

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly".

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"

"Yes", the boy's mother answered.

"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.

"Who cares?" the mother replied.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Better than average lol | Funny Joke

girl is driving along the expressway listening to the radio when she hears a song she really, really likes. When the song is over the announcer says the title of the record was, "Hot Lips and Tender Kisses."

When she gets home she's very excited about the new song and decides to call her local music store to see if they have the record. Hurriedly, and excitedly, she dials the store's number. But in her excitement, she unknowingly misdialed and got an auto repair shop instead.

"Hello," the mechanic answers.

"Oh, yes! Do you have Hot Lips and Tender Kisses?" the girl asks.

The mechanic was puzzled, but says, "Well, no, but I've got hot pants and seven inches."

"Oh, is that a record?" she says.

"No," he says, "but it's better than average."

Monday, June 4, 2012

How It`s Made: Panda Bears

How It`s Made: Panda Bears

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

SMART BLONDE JOKE

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks andNeeds to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally... a smart blonde joke. 

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Where the hell are you?

She: Where the hell are you jerk ?
He : Darling you remember that jewellery shop where you saw the necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time said "baby it'll be yours one day"
She: yes I remember my love !
He: I am in the pub just next to that shop :P

Monday, May 21, 2012

At the Barber Shop

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'The guy left.A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'The guy left.A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half .The guy left.The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.   
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,'Your house!' 

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Car Accident

A man and a woman got into a car accident. Their cars got 


totally demolished but luckily both of them were all right.


After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says,"wow! 


Look at the cars they're totaled! But luckily we both dint even 


get a scratch! This is a sign that we should become friends 


and not try to pin the blame on each other.


Man," I totally agree wit u."


The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says," that 


bottle survived the crash just like us, I think its a sign from 


him. We should open it and celebrate our new found 


friendship wit it.."


She then hands the bottle to the man. He nods his head and 


because of the nerve-wrecking accident he chugs about a 


third of the bottle.. He hands it back to the woman, who 


immediately puts the cap back on and hands it back to the 


man.


Man,"aren't u having any?"


The woman replies," no I think ill just wait for the police;)

Friday, May 11, 2012

Clever Teacher | Joke

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."